Here are a few jokes I think you'd like, based on the times I've met you.
posted Sep 29, 2009
Three men of differing ethnicity are lost at sea in a dingy, in a position where they are facing God or a genie of some sort – either way, an entity with magic superpowers. The God genie lets it be known that he has a potentially amazing gift and then asks them something critical.
Unconventionally, all men give a passionate monologue about your chronic personality failings. The God genie is in total agreement, adding a few cute points of his own. I arrive on the scene in my own dingy with a talking teapot. The teapot says to the group, “And that stupid ego! Doesn”t it make you want to do this?” and blows a screaming jet of boiling steam from its spout, its lid rattling.
“Yep,” we say in unison, and fall into an angry silence.
*
A woman goes into a bar with a unicorn. The barman says, “A unicorn! What do they drink?”
The woman says, “Do you ever feel you have a weird and crippling fear of confrontation? And then hate yourself for not calling someone into account for something essentially petty, but which riles you later? ”
The barman mournfully says, “Yes.”
The unicorn pats the stool next to him and says in a charismatic baritone voice, “Get yourself a beer and join us.”
*
What do you get if you combine the words and thoughts of one person with the words and thoughts of another person?
A normal conversation—as opposed to a loud piggish monologue where one person is treated like the pages of a diary, and watches as an internal portrait of their face withers into the image of a desiccated locust”s face wearing a wig and sipping from a glass of wine.
*
So I”m sitting in the gorilla compound of a zoo with four gorillas, right? One gorilla says to me, “Oh, ooby doo! I wanna be like you-o-oo!”
“Do you?” I answer despondently.
The gorillas confer. “Perhaps.”
I explain the situation and they confer again. “This happens every time you meet that idiot?”
I nod, rocking irritably in my tyre swing.
“Then not so much,” they reply.
Another gorilla has an idea. “Do you know what we do to people like that?” And he gives me a demonstration by smashing a pineapple between his fists. A moment passes where we communicate with dark eye-locked stares.
Finally I throw the keys to the compound padlock over to the four gorillas and say, “You”ve earned yourselves a big old bunch of grapes, boys.”
*
A slice of lemon, some salt, and a bottle of vinegar are drinking cappuccinos together when a raw nerve walks up and joins them.
They look up in surprise, and the raw nerve laughs. “You think I”m sensitive? You should meet her!”
They look over and see me at a table opposite. I accept their invitation to sit with them and we swap phone numbers.
As we leave the raw nerve says to me, “Keep on truckin”!” and we bump knuckles.
*
Two Spanish omelettes are cycling around provincial Spain. One rings its bicycle bell and says to the other one, “Hey, we”re omelettes! How did we learn to ride bikes?”
The other omelette says, “Whoa, and how did we learn to talk?”
An olive comes up on a unicycle and says, “Have you ever wanted to cut someone out of your life completely?”
Both omelettes do wheelies. “Yes! Completely out!”
© 2009 Becky Hunt
