Lauren Spohrer has published in the Mississippi Review Online, McSweeney's Internet Tendency, GIGANTIC, Coconut Poetry, Thieves Jargon, and Glitterpony. She's the associate editor of the literary annual NOON and can be found at

She Did Have Some New Moves

posted Apr 20, 2010

Brooke said, “Are you ready to go jogging?”

“I forgot my shoes, but I brought this bag of weed,” said Kissy.

“When you wish for shit what do you wish?” Brooke asked.

“I wish I had the confidence to put on makeup in a public place,” said Kissy.


“I am so fucking tired of hiding in the stall.”

“Do you want to go find some guys who will buy us drinks?” Brooke asked.


They went to a bar and met one man named Tribe.

“What do you do, Tribe?” Brooke asked.

“I’m the DJ at this bar.”

“Do you take requests?”

“I only play songs that arouse sensation.”

Tom showed up at the bar and Tribe went back to the DJ booth.


Kissy said, “Let’s back to Brooke’s and smoke that weed.”

Kissy fell asleep on the couch.

Tom said he would sleep on the floor but Brooke said: “Don’t wake up Kissy.”

Tom got in Brooke’s bed and he poked her gently and then he touched the skin on her butt for a long time.

In the morning, a waitress brought out two coffees and Tom put milk and sugar in Brooke’s coffee for her, and then stirred it, and then passed her the cup with the spoon sticking out of it.

“I feel really good, Brooke,” he said.


“Do you want to go shopping for windbreakers after this?” he asked.

“I’m going home and back to sleep.”

The next day Tom sent an email to Brooke’s work address asking if she wanted to see a movie at the Library of Congress. They saw a movie and then they sat outside of a restaurant on Capitol Hill. The wind was blowing Brooke’s hair and Tom asked a stranger if she had a rubber band. The stranger removed the rubber band from her own hair and gave it to Brooke. Tom and Brooke each drank one beer and then they rode the Metro home together. She got off the train two stops before Tom. He kissed her and waved, “goodbye!”

The next day Tom stopped by Brooke’s apartment and told her that he felt worried about the effect their new relationship was having on him. Brooke was very flattered by this story but Tom said specifically that he did not mean to flatter her.

He said: “Last night, after the movie, I went walking, over an hour of walking, and when I was about halfway home, about 16th and Euclid, where 16th street becomes that big hill, I peed my pants. I walked the rest of the way up 16th street with pee all over my pants.”

“Why didn’t you stop and pee in a bush?”

“I don’t like the effect this is having on me.”

“Well okay.”

“I want you to take care of me.”

“Okay,” Brooke said.

Tom looked quite pleased with himself and said: “I have always enjoyed knowing who you are sleeping with, and now it’s me.”


But then Tom lost his job.

“How is it my fault?” Brooke asked.

“It’s the effect you are having on me,” Tom said.

“Because you are obsessed with me?”

“I am not obsessed with you.”

“Are you obsessed with my rap tits?”

“For God’s sake, Brooke.”


“I don’t want to see you anymore.”


Brooke got a new boyfriend named Raggerd who eventually asked whether her tits were real.

“Of course,” she said.

“They look bloodless.”

“Well then you should oil them up,” Brooke said.

“Jesus Christ, Brooke.”

“Oil on my titties.”

“I don’t want to see you anymore, Brooke,” Raggerd said.


Driving through a tony business district, Brooke tried to think of something neutral to say Tom.

“I know why you’re crying,” she said.

“Raggerd is retarded.”

“What difference does it make?”

“What does his dick look like?”

“Just take me home, call me on the phone and ask me to dinner.”

“I saw you in the park with him.”

“Raggerd is my friend.”

“I was your friend.”

“I know.”

“Don’t you want to know where I got this car?”

“I know where you got it. It’s a Zipcar.”

“Don’t you want to know where we are going?

“Please take me home.”

“I bet you have a lot of new moves.”

She did have some new moves.

“Why don’t we go to a bar?” Brooke said.

“And catch up?” he asked.

“Drink a beer. Relax.”

“Open the glovebox,” Tom said.

Brooke opened the glove compartment.

“What is the knife for?” she asked.

“What do you think it’s for?”

“For Raggerd?” Brooke asked.

“He’s retarded.”

“You are retarded. You peed your pants.”

Tom got embarrassed, and then a look of relief came over his face.

“I’m getting it fitted for a sheath,” he said.